Lost

The title of this post summed up my feeling right now.

I used to have the most wonderful and beautiful life i have ever lived. Loved by the guy that never gave me up even i hurt him over and over. Surrounded by a lot of friends that always made my days, always cheered me up and made me laugh until my tummy hurt. Visited the most amazing places that made me feel i was in paradise. 

I lost all of those nice things because of my own stupidness. And i will never get it back. Maybe forever. 

I was stupid. I fucked up my own life. And here i am, lost in my own mind, thinking why i ever did those stupid things, wondering what's gonna happen next after this mess. 

Sleep time is the best time for me now, because i can live the life i want to live in my dreams. But i don't even have a power to let my eyes close. 

I am in the middle of the hardest part of my life because of the mistakes i made. People may think i act and think too much for this problem, people may think it'll be over soon and i can be the old me again. But the fact, no. Almost 2 months, i spent my time with emptiness and felt lost. Pathetic smile is the best expression i can make to show people that i am okay but i am not. 

It is not a sadness of a teenage girl that lost her boyfriend and she'll fuck his best friend the next day. I believe every person on earth have been on their own hardest time. And now i'm struggling with mine. I never ever been this down, exhausted of every day i've been through for the last 2 months.

Mistakes i made, trust i broke, people i hurt, it was unforgivable. I am hated and unwanted now because i was a failure. I forgot how to be happy, sometimes i forgot how to be a normal human being. All i can do is staring on the wall all day and sometimes cry and fall asleep and wake up in my own tears. I think i'm insane now.

Trust, is something you can't ever buy. Once you break it, you may or you may not fix it. But even when you fix someone's trust, it will never gonna be the same. Do not break trust. Because it happened to me. I broke the trust and i lost my life forever. 

I know this post is useless and maybe kind of piece of bullshit, for me, for anyone who read it. I just want to say what's inside my heart and head right now. I have nobody to talk to, i have no one to share my sadness to. Because he started to leave me slowly, soon he'll find his best girl. Not like me that always hurt him and never fight for him. 

I broke my parent's heart, I broke my own heart. I fucked up my mom's life. I ruined my own life.